Its Still Light Out
Episode V

The Gorge!
The Gorge!
The Gorge is fucked up man! Holy shit... the place has got loads of energy literally bursting from its core!!
The Gorge!
The Gorge!

Say it with me...hold on, don't give me a half assed effort. You gotta squeeze your eyes real tight and gather in your breath. Now suck all that air into your stomach until ya hear your lungs creak from expansion. Now bellow out all that suspended power in one thrusting…

THE GORGE!!!

We're bustin down the highway tryin to make it ta Portland after the Shoreline show. Gots me a bud there, Jonsey. Purest heart you'll ever meet. Of course we get stopped again but this time for 6 hours. As the Tourminator coined it, we had to hug trees. For all ya ign'ant cunts who don't know... Redwood National Park. If ya don't know then ya betta go. Ah'lls ah gotts ta say is we hugged trees.

We finally get to Jonseys. He's not home but 1/2 the tour's loungin in his home. I start tearin thru his shit... "Where's my fuckkin package? Where's ma fuckin package???" I finally find the envelope addressed to the Sketch only to discover 4 highlighters inside. Whaada fuck am I gonna do with highlighters? If you burn em can you get high? I toss em at the Wookie in disgust and set about mixing some of Jonseys Absinthe. The Wookie starts to laugh. Each highlighter has 10 g of blonde Amsterdam hash. Not bad I muse... not bad at all!!

Fast forward to the Gorge car lineup. My head is splitten after tearin down the ol' absinthe tunnel with Jonsey right through the night. I can feel the ulcers devouring my stomach as acid leaches thru the lining and starts dissolving my innards. I'm shittin streams of green and feel like ass. Simultaneously, I'm splitten my work into g's when we pass under this tunnel. Fuckin cop with a dog pulls over the car in front of us. Holy shit we're fucked. I got 40 g of hash sittin right in my lap and everything else in the fuckin car. I did the only thing I really could. I take one look at Graham and puke all over myself. I then lean out the window and hurl nasty waves of gastric juices all over the cop and his canine partner. "Smell thru that shit" I chuckle. Needless to say they became a bit preoccupied and we safely entered the Gorge.

IT NEVER GETS DARK AT THE GORGE. TOO MUCH ENERGY TO GET DARK. IF THERE IS ONE PLACE IN THIS G-D FORSAKEN, BLASPHEMED LAND CALLED THE UNITED STATES THAT IS STILL GOOD AND PURE, IT IS THE GORGE!!

We're sittin on the side of Shakedown being all good citizens and such, sellin diazepan grilled cheese. And you thought garlic was a nice sellin point. Ya gotta help the fuckin mashers every once in a while!! This car comes tearin towards us and I gotta stand up and half hop on the hood to avoid gettin hit.

"What the fuck man!! Chill the fuck out!! You almost took off my fuckin legs!" This woman had gone Knuckin futz! Classic redneck townie ya know? Fleshy body, dirty t-shirt, grey drab hair... zig zagging the car back and forth sending folk reelin as if bowling for columbine or some shit. What the fuck? These people were fuckin crazy. Go-lucky, happy Phishees converge into an angry crowd and start mobbin the car!

"Fuckers!!"

"Watch where you're fuckin goin!!!"

Quite the scene, all kinds of crap dumped on the vehicle. Passenger Hillbilly hops out of the car and takes on the crowd. This old, out of shape, washed up, has-been decides to teach us young pups a lesson. Obviously 2 seconds later he was grabbed, mauled, swung, torn onto the ground by a heaping mass of dirty hair. The dude was done and he knew it. We threw him back into the auto with only the remnants of tattered cloth hanging onto his fatty flesh. The car spun off to jeers and gufaws culminating in a can of giant tomatoes exploding on the roof of the car!!

Word to the wise... Don't fuck with the lot...join the lot, share with the lot, be the lot... but don't take on the lot you dumb, machovanistic, testosterone filled monkeys - GO TO THE BEACH!!

DUDE ITS STILL LIGHT OUT!!
YOU DON'T SLEEP AT THE GORGE
YOU CAN DANCE, PARTY, RAGE, AND DREAM.
TAKE TIME TO YOURSELF AND GO FIND THE GORGE
BUT DO NOT SLEEP BECAUSE
DUDE ITS STILL LIGHT OUT!!

The House that Billy Built
Episode IV

"Summer of Neil!"
"7 Below Opener!!"
"Get your Dead Dylan T's"
"Yummy Garlic Grilled Cheeses! Garlic is good for ya. Buy your wholesome, satisfying grilled cheeses here!"

Lot economics have been pretty shitty this year. We've resorted to selling grilled cheese to supplement our income. Not enough custies and too many vendors. All you Eastern folk better show up with cash in your pockets and reinvigorate the vibe. And we don't need any more vendors!!

Shoreline kicks ass!! Chillest staff I've ever met. My aisle dude was askin' us to get into our seats by groovin hard and shoutin, "only I can dance in those lanes!!" Way to go Carl. Big shout out to Word today. He finally made some money sellin kick ass pasta salad - find him in the lot and ask him, "What up Word?"

Remember, your T's, beers, and cheese should only be purchased at the Tour Jedi Cowboy station. Combo specials are always ready. Let me pass on a secret li'l piece of info to all you wanna be tour rats who stuff your faces with gigabytes and tour dates instead of mileage and music... the secrets of the lot are these heady, heady sun catchers sold by a Wookie. They are these powerful cosmic stones embedded in carefully crafted copper designed to ease your soul and lift your spirit. You can acquire such splendor for as little as $5. Find the Wookie, he has a green blanket or find your local neighborhood Sketchter to direct you to the promised land. I will lead you my people, from the depths of monotony to a land of milk and honey.

So we're chillin on the tarp, drinkin some beers and jabbering with some cops. Real interesting conversations we was havin. They seemed to think that ice and beer in a cooler were meant for the ground while we firmly felt that beers stay in a cooler.

Do chicks leave their nest?
Do hermits leave their islands?
Do pigs leave their diabetes shops?
Do beers leave their ice?
No way Man!!!!!

Well then our angel wheeled up on a Segway and asked the po po to leave us alone. There he was, Gordo on a Segway stickin up for the little guys. He chilled for a bit, wheelin around and around just chattin. We got a pic and then he just scooted off before he drew too much attention.

Second night it all came together for me. I was cravin a mellow show. Not a hit show like that crap in Arizona but a kick ass mellow show. Well they did it!! They played Divided Sky. I've been waiting for a while (missed winter tour Colorado and then decided to see Soundtribe instead of Greensboro). I was sittin Page side in the lawns with my eyes closed and my hands by my sides. I was completely absorbed in the music. What wonderful notes! Just pure music at its finest. Then suddenly the music explodes in my head. Eruptions trigger cascades of rapid shock coursing through my entire body. I feel immense weight upon me and open my eyes to realize I'm completely soaked. My brain, still unable to comprehend the surroundings, emits caution and warning sensors. Holy shit!! This massive woman had come tumbling down the lawn to knee me full speed in the head, fall on me and spill her beer everywhere.

So I just lay their stunned as this gargantuan gathered herself from atop my beer drenched body. What a crazy rush. The experience added to my thorough enjoyment of Divided as I rose and continued to allow the music to carry me away.

Sunrise
 Episode III

Something wakes me up at 4:30 am. I'm real confused. My body plain hurts. Ya know that drained, hurtin, broken down feeling? I can squeeze my body into any size box right now. My appendages are so limber and soft. Just hurtin. Moanin and groanin I grope around and slap on my glasses. Eyes stingin from dried sweat and dust, I lean forward and stretch out my back.

Attempting to decipher my surroundings thru crusted and foggy glasses, the past few days slowly come back to me. Wow am I cracked out. I can' remember the last time I've slept. My Buffalo kids had already left for Arizona and I was stuck with no ride. I knew they were gonna camp at the Grand Canyon the night before the first Phish show so I decided to haul ass ridin my thumb all the way to Arizona.

What ensued became a crazy blur of cars, conversations, and coordinates. Map checkin, road treckin, and sleep/food deprivation consumed my being for the next few days. There is no better drug than insomnia. Stop sleeping for a few days and your mind expands. Energy hues become visible around objects as your thought patterns slow to a traceable and controllable speed.

Spent 4th of July in Albuquerque New Mexico. Armadillos, cacti, and fireworks - rock on!! Went swimming in this beautiful lake sandwiched between four mountain ranges just West of the city... Oh man... Well at least I made it!!

Hopefully I'll find my kids today. Shit, the sky is just beginning to lighten over to the left. I'm strollin over scuffing my feet with every step. So miscombobulated and shut down, my mind can't fathom processing the terrain to avoid slippage or scrapeage. I must have 20 cactus thorns poking into my feet already. They hurt a bit by the way.

Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow... I just came to the edge of the canyon. Darkness is slowly being replaced by a very dusty gray. The canyon is monstrous, stretching for miles in every direction. The steep walls allow for a birds eye view of jagged burnt reds and ash charcoal. A thick mist hangs in the air, creating the welcoming illusion of deep purple and silky cyan layers filling the physical space around me. The mountains and clouds become indecipherable co-existing beings held together by the very fabric of this peaceful sunrise.

As the light is increasing, the mist dissipates and the true colors of the region emerge. Purple haze is replaced with tourmaline blue skies while the rock repossesses the weather beaten aura of rustic red stability.

What a wonderful morning, observing the world wake up. The soft pastels of peace only disrupted by a silver condor hovering over a shimmering, yet unsettlingly calm Colorado river. To think man has the gall to control a force raging enough to form the grandest of all canyons; to subdue a life force full of vitality. The strength ebbing away into the present placid mirror passively awaiting its own demise.

Contemplating these thoughts amongst others have placed a slight damper on this special moment. Sensing my dispair, compassionate spirits outline a single cloud in fiery hot pink. This white puff is pulsating with energy from some enormous source. Sitting on the ledge of the world, I observe this cloud slowly rise in the sky.

Out of nowhere, these pulsating shots pierce through the cloud, beaming out into oblivion. As these rays reach out, life begins to take notice and grapple for maximum exposure. The sun king is emerging behind the trustful paladin, slowly enabling the cloud to evaporate into nothingness, leaving behind an orange fireball awaiting to ignite the day.

A new layer of mist descends upon the canyon as mother earth equilibrates with the presents from the universe. Why is it so easy for earth and energy to live in such equity when us man, the supposed amalgamation of the two, struggle so much? How can two entities of such magnitude share the limited vastness available yet when the two are brought together we only see destruction, war, and utter saddness.

Wearily I rise from a special moment forever stored in my web of neurons. Both saddened by my reflections and encouraged by the awe inspiring performance nature provides, I set about finding these evasive Buffalonians. Tenderly trudging through dry desert shrubbery, I emerge into this tiny clearing where I can make out this very strange bamboo like structure. This 8 foot slim tree appears to be a straight thin bamboo shoot with threatening spikes surrounding the bottom. 3/4 of the way up, these soft, docile grains emerge off the sides and snake up to the top. What a beautiful creature residing in its own space and time.

"Sketchter?"...I spin around - could it really be? Mother Earth again heeding the call, responding to my respect, and leading me to my friends. Symbols and signs with appropriate attention are everywhere to help guide you along you path. Possessing a clear mind can be invaluable along your quest. Brooke and Lindsey emerge from a tent and rapidly form an umbrella around my shattered soul. Laughing, crying, screaming, shouting, I recount my traumas and then my joys. We celebrate in our unity and eagerly anticipate the first show tomorrow night.

Shoeless Blow
Episode II

Okay, Okay - big white pearlies, relaxed body, emit the image of trust. You want to stop, oh you need to stop. Please, please pick my ass up. Hey red car - WOO HOO! Heads! - they'll pick me up. What fuckers, they pulled the ole' slow down only to speed up routine. What bastards.

All right, here it is - c'mon lady... oh she's slowin' down, she might be... oh she is - fuckin' A, she's pickin' my ass up!! 'Bout fuckin' time!!

"Oh ma'am thank-you so so much. I thought I'd never get picked up."

"Well who hitches from Toronto to Buffalo...Hippies pfff."

"Hey listen ma'am, I got stranded. I met this Mayan dude named Dennis who was gonna drive my ass from Toronto to Belize in his truck. We waz gonna truck thru Texas, shoot thru Mehico and hit Belize. Do some jungle treking. Living off the land one week with him and one week solo. The guy never showed so I need to get to Buffalo and catch the Jibboo Crew to ride out to Arizona for the start of tour."

The lady looks at me like I'm a cracked out donkey but then from outta nowhere, she pulls 2 dubies outta a film canister and informed me of the need to smoke 'em before the border. "Fuckin' Commies," she mutters.

Tokin on the dube, I reflect upon the craziness of the jazz fest I fell into in the city known as T-Dot. Somehow, Pearl Jam was giggin right on Lake Ontario at The Molson Amp. I hopped over a fence, pockets full of beers and found a barrel to sit on and watch the show. Free tunes WOO HOO!! Just as I cracked my first #9, I heard from behind - "Hey you, long hair!!" I spin around and simultaneously slide onto the ground. Awe! Oh, shit - I left my shoes up there... sprinting, hopping, ducking, sliding, I evade capture by weaving my way through the throngs of folk meandering above the docs.

Nearing the point of exhaustion, fearing the decrepit state of my feet. I lean against this huge boat - the Maki-Supa. Cool Man eh? I hop on board and declare my Phishiness. I was welcomed by four thirty somethin' heads with a mountain of blow. Giddy-Up!!

Gettin to Buffalo without shoes will be tougher to explain. If found... black pair Reef sandals, size 14 - please email dysphunktion. And if any of you cats are ever in T-Dot - I gots you a hook up. Call Avee at 416-891-2413 and tell him Sketchter sent you.

"Before you criticize anyone walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

Well being barefoot now sucks! Crossing the border barefoot sucks! Takin a shit in a nasty, sludge infested, bacteria pit barefoot sucks! Walking in Buffalo on the scalding pavement to get to Erik and Derricks's house sucks!

I sat on their porch for 45 minutes with tweezers pluckin shards of pain form my oozing pussing feet.

Does anyone have my shoes? Am I destined to become the Shoeless Tour Jedi Cowboy?

Great news though - I'm headed to Belize with Dennis Aug. 13. So I'm tourin all summer and then headin to the rainforest

Yeah Baby!!!

Manchester, Medeski, and Mescaline
Episode I